Troll 2 Review
By Bill Gordon

“Nilbog? That’s Goblin Spelt backwards! This is their Kingdom!”

Obviously the front cover has nothing to do with the film… Different kid and monster… Genius.

Before I start this review, instead of writing my own synopsis, I’d just like to take the time to show you the official one:  “Those greedy Goblins are back and hungrier than ever in this gourmet gross-out! Disguised as friendly country folk, a pugnacious posse of people-eating Trolls lures visitors to their town.  But a family of four is about to discover that this place is a real tourist trap… and they’re the prey! Now, the no-good Gnomes must be destroyed before the family gets flambéd… and the world becomes a buffet in this feeding frenzy of fear!”
What a synopsis, am I right?! Apparently Trolls, Gnomes and Goblins are the same thing.  The best part as well is that this is an unofficial sequel to ‘Troll’ and it doesn’t even have any Trolls in it… instead they are vegetarian Goblins… Genius.  ‘Troll 2’ was directed by Italian director, Claudio Fragasso.  Claudio believed he knew enough about how American’s behaved, which clearly resulted in dreadful dialogue, and a story (written by his wife, Rossella Drudi) that makes absolutely no sense. 
‘Troll 2’ has been compared to religion by many people; someone discovers it, buys the tatty old DVD, shares its wonders with others and bam… we have a cult following on our hands, and this is true! I have that tatty old DVD after being introduced to it by someone else; I also introduced it to other people.  So, seeing as Troll 2 is almost like a religion to me, it was obvious that I would stop whatever I was doing and buy tickets to a screening of it in London.  I can’t explain the happiness of seeing the opening scene on the big screen, the camp-late 80’s/early 90’s soundtrack playing as poorly made-up dwarves run through the woods with sticks, pretending to be Goblins… then it comes… “TROLL 2” in big letters, everyone applauds and cheers. 
So, where do we start? I’m not going to go too much into the dialogue and acting as I’m sure many of you have seen the YouTube videos, if not… here are a few quotes: “THEY’RE EATING HER, AND THEN THEY’RE GOING TO EAT ME! OOOOOH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” and “YOU CAN’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY, I WON’T ALLOW IT!” followed by the child, Joshua, saying “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME DADDY?” oh and how can I forget “NILBOG? THAT’S GOBLIN SPELT BACKWARDS! THIS IS THEIR KINGDOM!” There are many more hilarious quotes, even a beautiful rendition of ‘Row, row, row your boat’, however, I must encourage you to watch the film or at least look them up on YouTube, just so you can experience it yourself. 
I don’t particularly want to complain about this film, because there is nothing good about it, so I might as well say “Everything Is rubbish” and leave it at that.  But it’s the complete and utter CRAP that makes this film a masterpiece, who else would cast the campiest guys ever and make them go on a “lads” holiday to a farm-town called ‘Nilbog’?  Or, who would give a ghost Thor-like lightning powers? Or who else would decide to make Goblins go through the effort of turning people into vegetables/plants so they can eat them… instead of eating normal vegetables and plants? It is a recipe for a terrible film and has cult following written all over it. 
The actors themselves had no idea what they were filming and what was going on, it is one confusing mess.  There is a sex scene that involves the Goblin Queen making one of the boys eat corn, then popcorn starts coming from all directions… and that’s the last we see him of him, he doesn’t die, I guess Claudio just has a fetish for corn? I don’t know.   There is also the question of why does the Sheriff not use his shot-gun when he turns into a Goblin? Instead he uses a pointy stick… Terrifying.  There is only one confirmed metaphor in this film; writer, Rossella Drudi, explained that the vegetarian Goblins are a result of a time when all her friends turned vegetarians and it “pissed her off”… deep… I know… and that’s about as deep as the film gets.  Claudio to this day will not admit that it is a bad film; he believes it is actually a great film but the “dog actors” and the viewer’s just don’t understand it… similar to how barely anyone can understand him when he talks. 
‘Troll 2’ is magical.  It isn’t just a film, it’s something that brings everyone together; it’s something that you can laugh at, along with most of the actors.  It teaches us that sometimes you can find greatness in something bad, that every cloud has a silver lining.  It also teaches us that you should always think before eating food with strange green stuff on that a stranger offers you, that it is always useful to keep a double double-decker bologna sandwich on you at all times and NEVER visit a town/village if the name of it is Goblin spelt backwards.  To put it simply; it’s just a lot of fun! If you get your friends over for a Friday night with some beers, you’re bound to have a great time.  If they were to announce a Troll 3, I wouldn’t face palm, I wouldn’t disapprove of it; instead I’d welcome it with open arms!  Troll 2 may be one of the worst films ever made, but that in itself is an achievement, and for that I applaud them.   
Movie rating 0/5

So-Bad-It’s-Good rating 5/5

Follow Bill on Twitter: @2FlashGordon7

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