During the holiday season, it’s basically guaranteed that you will attend a gathering at someone else’s house and this can be a terribly frightening situation, especially if you’re meeting the family of the person you’re in love with. And in the spirit of this holiday movie trope, I gift you a Horrific Holiday Double Feature that has it all: secret family histories, awkward gift exchanges, cannibalism and Kristin Chenoweth. Not enough? Well, how about Lindsay Lohan and the host from Supermarket Sweep? YOU HEARD ME!
Netflix really got into the Christmas movie game this year, trying to grab some of that sweet, sweet holiday viewership and they even dug deep enough to pay for Lindsay Lohan and pocket-sized Broadway darling Kristin Chenoweth in the same movie. Let’s see what my Holiday Movie Expert has to say about Our Little Secret:
Nobody can argue that Lindsey Lohan’s comeback story isn’t one for the ages. The work she’s had done is chef’s kiss and her classy new aura deserves every romance script that Netflix can summon. I could write for days about just Netflix Lohan love triangles, but let’s focus in on her newest. Our Little Secret is a holiday rom-com comprised of every single thing that the perfect holiday movie needs: ex-lovers, big corporate jobs, handy guys with big dreams, accidental drug usage and family dynamics that are banana pants to the max. Kristin Chenoweth plays the supreme Oedipus complex mother-in-law and the sibling banter is magnificent. I’m not gonna say that You’re Next has a rival, but I’m also not, not gonna say it. When Lindsey eats a dozen cookies and blames it on the Yorkie, I mean, come on. This is a movie not to miss. – B.G.
As you can see, Our Little Secret is full of so much holiday cheer that it has B.G. so excited, she compared it to a film that is actually, legitimately good. I’m gonna let that slide because I’m feeling a lot more Claire Phillips than Frank Cross today, which may be why I also saw a lot of charm in the movie. Does it weaponize dementia for laughs and will the two leads have you googling their ages? Yes, but it’s definitely of the higher tier of Christmas film being churned out.
Now it’s time to talk about a little movie called Mercy Christmas. This is exactly the kind of indie horror film that endears you to everyone involved in making it. This was clearly a labour of love and the result is even sweeter than the eggnog they keep chugging. Steven Hubbell is Michael Briskett and he’s a dedicated employee who also loves Christmas.
Unfortunately for him, his boss is making him work on Christmas, so it’s extra nice when his co-worker, Cindy, is the only person to show up for Michael’s holiday party. They drink eggnog, make fast friends and he even gifts her an electrical power strip. Cindy invites Michael to her family’s home because, “they would love to have him for dinner.” Also, her brother happens to be the boss that gave Michael all of that work and brisket is his favorite cut of meat. Lindsay Lohan may have had to face her ex-boyfriend, but Michael is going to face a family of cannibals.
The Robillard’s look like any other white bread family in Southern California, but they have a family tradition of cooking long pig for Christmas. With a group of people in the basement waiting to find out which portion of dinner they will become, Michael must find his courage and when I tell you that waiting out the low production value and some questionable acting will be worth it for the finale, I am as serious as the grim reaper coming to Scrooge on Christmas Eve. Michael will strap a legless man to his back (because his legs were eaten for dinner last night) and the two of them will take these fuckers out! You have never seen anything like it and it’s amazing. Michael Briskett is the John McClain of cannibal films and he’s also the nicest guy ever. Hubbell is insanely charming and the perfect blend of serious and camp to keep this movie on the tracks.
Going to another family’s house for the holidays is always a gamble, but at least you won’t end up on the dinner table or making noises, pretending to be a dog vomiting and shitting itself because you’re terrified of your boyfriend’s mom. So, spike your eggnog and let’s go on a road trip to two very different versions of family togetherness.
Lisa Fremont and B.G
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