@lcfremont gets on the sauce and reviews The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence…
In the spirit of the amount of effort that was put into this film, I have written this review while under the influence of far too much red wine. You’re welcome.
It is no secret that I have an unhealthy love for The Human Centipede and Dieter Laser. The first sequence in this trilogy is truly a beautiful crazy-scientist/horror hybrid. Many have never experienced this fine film simply because of word of mouth and that really is too bad because it’s nowhere near as graphic as you may have built it up to be in your mind. As is always most effective in horror, it’s what you don’t see that really, truly affects you and, for some, this means never experiencing the genius of Dieter Laser as a German Hannibal Lecter of sorts. Seriously, the guy has great style and impeccable taste. He also just really wants to connect people ass to mouth. We all have our downfalls.
The second sequence deserves it’s infamy because it truly is a piece of cinematic trash. And I love it. I love it for being 100% depraved and completely unapologetic about it. Filming it in black and white lends it just enough clout to be taken seriously and if you have a sick and twisted sense of humor, then this is the movie for you. Granted, it is not a movie for everyone and I completely understand anyone looking down their nose at people who enjoy it because I might love Human Centipede 2, but I don’t love Twilight. See? We are all entitled to our own opinions.
I have been referred to as “diabolical” and been told by more than one serious horror fan that I am the proud owner of a strong stomach when it comes to horror films. Naturally, I was ecstatic for the final sequence in this ridiculous trilogy AND Dieter Laser is in it again? Color me embarrassingly excited.
As with the second film, The Human Centipede 3, takes a very meta approach to story telling and at this point it’s not so much funny as it is tedious and lazy. Truly, this movie is almost a bad, late night infomercial for the first two movies. Returning as a Chubby Hitler of sorts is Laurence R. Harvey. He played Martin in the second sequence and now he is known as Dwight Butler and he is the accountant to Dieter Laser’s Bill Boss. Boss has got to be one of the worst prison wardens in this history of time and it is a sight to behold. He was very chic and methodical in the first film, but this final sequence brings us a Laser who is absolutely unhinged, constantly drunk with alcohol, dried lady parts and violence and is, mostly, unintelligible. There is a lot of yelling and bellowing of the exceptionally tasteless and vulgar kind. Initially, this is quite a bit of fun and I was definitely guilty of doing the Julia Roberts laugh at some of the things that he said to Tits. Yes, he refers to his secretary as Tits and she might be one of the very few bright lights in this film. Played by Bree Olson, she inhabits her sex toy role with a strange mix of authority and humor. Either you know her past film history or you don’t and I am only here to say that I enjoyed her very much and found her very cute and endearing. Even when eating dubious “candy” after being forced to swallow Boss’ semen. Yup, you read that correctly.
Really, the only saving grace of this shit fest is the fact that all of the actors came to play. Well, Eric Roberts seems to be a bit perplexed as to why he agreed to this project, but everyone else dives head first into what may be one of the most offensive and terrible movies to come out this year and that is what makes it watchable. Certainly, the egregious use of racial slurs, underlying racist tone, anal and fecal fixation/fetish, rape obsession and unabashed narcissism of the director do not make this something that anyone would actually want to spend an hour and forty two minutes with.
Tom Six makes more than just a cameo in this film. This is no Alfred Hitchcock sighting or even just a Quentin Tarantino bit role. No, this is Tom Six playing himself and he is congratulated for being even more handsome in person and for creating great cinema. I never really understood the disdain for Mr. Six until I was subjected to him in his own film. He may as well have just masturbated for us because I’m pretty certain that the moment when Boss kisses his reflection in the mirror was very autobiographical for Six. I digress…
The wonderful Robert LaSardo has a “fun” role in this movie as inmate #297. You know LaSardo-he’s the handsome tattooed gentleman who stole the show in the second season of Nip/Tuck. Despite getting to witness his castration in excruciating detail, you still know that this guy is going to get his revenge on Boss and WOW, does he. I can only say that I had previously read about these types of things happening and I never thought that I would actually be forced to watch it in a movie. This iron stomach was more than a bit upset over what transpires between #297 and Boss, but even worse than the act is the fact that Six writes it off as (SPOILER ALERT) a dream sequence. Listen. If you’re going to feature a kidney rape, with a visible penis, in your film then fucking own it, god damnit. This is not the time to develop class or sophistication.
Basically, you know how this story goes. Boss and Dwight do a delightfully twisted BFF dance as they reach their ultimate goal and, unfortunately, this all goes on a wee bit too long. This really should have been a wham, bam, thank you ma’am length of movie. Sewing 500 stereotypical, racial caricatures ass to mouth and chanting, “death, rape, death, rape” incessantly does not demand more than 80-88 minutes, top. On top of the dragging middle bit is some unfortunately unimpressive f/x. The castration was pretty good, but not better than the vice scene from I Spit On Your Grave 2 and the most impressive “ visual effect” was the literal close up shot of a nicely trimmed male anus. Yes, I add this in to warn potential viewers:if you don’t like to see close up shots of lips being crudely sewn to a well manicured anus, then maybe don’t watch this movie.
With a wonderfully hilarious Queen Elizabeth moment from my beloved Dieter, far too much over acting, scenery chewing and a lot of hard to understand yelling, Laser is, undeniably, the ONLY thing that kept me from turning this movie off. If you thought the first sequence was unwatchable and the second should be burned from the history of humanity, then you are never going to be prepared for this final sequence. It’s convenient that Laser is German and I’m not sure if that’s supposed to make all of his racial slurs “o.k” a’la the Jewish dentist in Seinfeld, but this movie is exceptionally offensive when it comes to gross stereotypes. In a world where beautiful, buxom blondes should be safe, even Ms. Olson is subjected to crass, generalized descriptions and unnecessary humiliation.
Six definitely took this final sequence to an 11 and that isn’t always a good thing. There are times when the absolute absurdity is truly hilarious and then there are moments when you are ashamed to have this movie on your viewing history. With some truly balls-out performances, this could have been the ultimate gross out, cheesy horror film. Instead, the narcissistic director revelled in his infamy and maligned reputation far too much and left us with a bloated, morally offensive, unnecessarily gross and unsatisfying third act.
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