December is upon us, which means the evenings grow dark early and the chilly weather keeps us inside. Perhaps you’re looking forward to watching Black Christmas for the millionth time, but your movie partner is in the mood for something with a happy ending and lots of holiday cheer. May I suggest a Horrific Holiday Double Feature?
Now that Hallmark, Lifetime and Netflix are churning out craptastic Christmas films at an alarming rate, you can easily pair of these feel-good films with a horror film that is on the same quality level and that’s the most important bit: if you can get down with a snowman coming to life and killing people, then you can stomach a movie about a snowman coming to life and finding love. Quid pro quo.
In the spirit of giving, let’s meet in the middle and share a B-level horror film with someone who gets the same amount of joy out of a B-level Christmas film. Not only will both of you be treated to storylines that are utterly batshit stupid, but you will also get to take in the various levels of writing, acting and set design that we are all willing to embrace in the name of entertainment. So, grab a blanket and a hot cocoa (with liquor) because we are about to take a journey unlike any other: magic scarfs, secret government experiments, egregious objectification of hot bodies, snow sculpture contests and, most importantly, the spirt of Christmas fueling all of this magic.
Jack Frost (1997, NOT the Michael Keaton one) is the kind of movie that nobody believes is real, but then you remind them of the kickass holographic VHS cover art it had and the memory bank is triggered. Did the Jack Frost on the cover art have more movement than the one in the actual film? Yes, but what did you expect? Dude is hamming it up as a poor man’s Bruce Campbell while delivering some truly terrible one liners that even Freddy Krueger wouldn’t utter on his worst day. Director and co-writer Michael Cooney (Identity) goes all in on a movie that is most famous for killing Shannon Elizabeth in a bathtub.
Notorious serial killer Jack Frost is on his way to the electric chair when he ends up covered in a toxic substance that allows him to wreak havoc on the town of Snomonton and seek revenge on the sheriff that put him away. Because he’s a snowman, he can utilize the various forms of water to find clever ways to kill people. All of the actors are dedicated to their roles and the fact that there is a fully fleshed out plot line that not only explains how Frost is turned into snowman, but also allows for a sequel, deserves a lot more recognition.
While this snowman is on a killing spree, in another tiny town that also has a town square full of locally crafted snow sculptures, a widower who refuses to do any home maintenance is about to meet the second love of her life in the form of a snowman who turns into a real man.
Basically, the veterinarian from Schitt’s Creek is allowed zero carbs so he can run around shirtless and be sexually harassed by all of the women in town. Meanwhile, Claudia from Party of Five has a frozen heart because her husband died of cancer (we know this because she keeps their wedding photo in the same envelope as his cancer diagnosis) and now she runs a diner, but she simply can’t turn on the heater in her house. You know what? Let’s have my Horrific Holiday Double Feature companion tell you about Hot Frosty;
Listen. The best thing about any holiday movie is that something so absurd happens and exactly zero people are fazed by it’s absurdity, therefore you, the viewer, are allowed to validate that the absurd things in your own life are, in fact, quite normal. Nothing in life will ever capture this more purely than the new Netflix gem that is Hot Frosty. First of all, the idea that ANYONE has the snow sculpting ability required to create a snow adonis of such precision is…absurd. Then, to think that a fairy godmother, un-related but much beloved town “aunt” gifts one with a magical scarf knowing it will turn that snowman real? Genius. I love holiday aunts: they always have the right answer and they also usually enjoy the red wine, even if it isn’t shown. The main character places this scarf on the hot adonis rather than on any of the other bonkers snow sculptures and, luckily, this adonis needs it once he comes alive to cover his large, um, talent. After breaking and entering and going on the run, he spends just enough time on the couch watching HGTV to make the rest of the movie believable and relatable. Also, the town QUICKLY, and I mean, instantly, believes him to be a real snow person come to life and they fight the police on his account, because of course they do. This movie leaves you eager to find just the right scarf and just the right talented snow sculptor to make it through the winter. – B.G.
Two films set in small towns, snowmen coming to life, women looking to get laid, tons of Christmas lights and varying quality levels of fake snow, writing and acting all come together for a perfect double bill. One person gets a shopping montage and choreographed dance and the other gets an antifreeze baptism while learning the power of multiple hairdryers. Even Tiny Tim would agree, “God bless us, everyone.”
Lisa Fremont and B.G
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