In an episode titled, “She Gets Revenge”, the mind reels at who, precisely, will be getting
revenge and, in true AHS fashion, it will be multiple people.
As Liz Taylor speaks about how we’re attracted to shiny, new things, it’s precisely those things
that fade so quickly, but love, real love, doesn’t fade. To really drive home this point, an elderly
couple who has been married for 60 years, has checked into the hotel with the ultimate goal of
committing suicide together so they can always be with one another. This grand gesture causes
Liz and Iris to rethink their own lives and the two enter into their own suicide pact, but first, Liz
must make things right with her son.
After Miss Evers calls Liz’s son and invites him to the hotel for a week, she then goes on to
make her opinions very clear. Some of them are cruel, but at the same time, she isn’t entirely
wrong. We may be in 2015, but you certainly can’t expect a son who you haven’t seen for 31
years to simply accept you as a woman when the last time he saw you, you were still playing
dress up as a man. Thankfully, in her absence, Liz’s ex has managed to raise a truly
compassionate human being and seeing Liz and Douglas reunite is extremely touching. Liz
doesn’t know it yet, but Douglas knows exactly who she is and when he compliments her
sparkly dress, it made this TV Baby’s eyes well up. Liz Taylor has made poor choices in her
past, but she definitely deserved to have such a beautiful reconnection with her son.
After killing three sad souls who appeared to be worshipping Santeria, John only has one
commandment left to fulfill and then he’ll be free. Demanding to be reunited with his wife, John
and Alex begin to repair their relationship by trying to fix the problem of all of those damn
vampire children. In a storyline that was tired the moment it began, it became even more
tedious when John and Alex found the group of children only to be confronted by one of them
being a real asshole. This whole scene was partly interesting because it felt like a modern,
vampire version of Who Can Kill A Child, but overall, it went on for far too long. After they put
the children in the tomb at the hotel, Miss Ramona Royale shows up and declares, “Mama
smells appetizers.” Hilarious.
Just as John begins basking in the glow of the possibility of his family reuniting, Sally shows up
and she is more than a little angry. If John Lowe thinks he can have a relationship with Sally and
then just unceremoniously dump her like a hot potato, he’s got another thing coming. Hell hath
no fury like a woman scorned and I’m beginning to wonder how that last commandment that
John has to fulfill will work out for him. I certainly wouldn’t put it past them to do an “homage” to
Se7en again with the ending of John’s story.
Donovan has decided that there can only be one ultra handsome man with fierce cheekbones in
the Countess’s life, so he descends upon Valentino’s room while The Sisters of Mercy play in
the background. Meanwhile, Natasha pays the Countess a visit with the same M.O. as
Donovan, but amusingly, Valentino and Natasha are not cut out for the modern world of crime.
It’s true that you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Or in the case of Valentino, a sword to a gun
fight, and so begins Donovan’s awesome string of one liner’s in this episode. “Bitch, please,”
indeed, and, yes Donovan, you do have better cheekbones. Cheekbones for days.
While dining with the Countess, Donovan delights in telling her that he killed Valentino. “Why
don’t you text your boyfriend and ask him? Oh, that’s right. He doesn’t know how to text and you
can forget about Face Time.” Slay, Donovan, slay! Oh, but he’s not done yet. He shall now
celebrate his revenge and evil sense of humor with a little “Hot Line Bling” and some seriously
fierce dancing. I think we can all agree that this was one of the hi lights of this, or any AHS,
season. Seriously, what can’t Matt Bomer do?
Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any better, Iris and Liz pick up handguns and
bust in on the Countess and Donovan like a couple of badass, mother fucking gangsters. Of all
of the selfish people in the Hotel Cortez, these two ladies definitely deserve their revenge and I
was absolutely giddy at the sight of them blowing the place up. As is the norm for a holiday
break, we were left with a bit of a cliffhanger at the end of this episode. Did Liz and Iris just get
their revenge on the two people who broke their hearts or will the Countess and Donovan rise
up against them? And what the hell does John think he’s doing leaving the hotel? Does he really
think he can just go back home and play house as though he hasn’t turned into the star pupil of
a dead serial killer and been having an affair with a dead drug addict? Don’t think so. What do
you think awaits us at the Hotel Cortez when we return after the winter break? Let me know on
The underlying theme of a son being one’s true love is really making me wonder who’s psyche
we’re getting a glimpse into.
Seriously. Am I the only one who hears the Twin Peaks rip off music in the background?
I’ve been known to become giddy over cleaning products as well. I feel you, Miss. Evers.
Was Valentino staying in the same motel that the Winchester brothers like to frequent? Hit me
up, Supernatural fans.
The shout out to Pedro on the Real World was humorous, but it also speaks to just how much
influence television has on us.
Iris’s memorial video is everything. I think her three Instagram followers would have really
Will Drake entered that hotel suite like a true diva and it was fantastic. The Countess may have
been wearing a Hillary Clinton pantsuit, but I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Will
Is Scarlett the most overlooked child in all of Los Angeles?
Images: IMDb & WSJ.com