Last week we ended with Matt and Gaga doing the wild thing in the woods and Shelby calling the cops on Lee. In true AHS fashion, the craziness was only just beginning, and as with the last two episodes, a shit-ton of information was learned this week. Also, this week’s episode seems to be a comedic one. To me, anyway.
After a volatile fight, Matt tells Shelby that, “It’s like a part of my brain was carved out and I don’t remember.” If only we could all use this excuse any time it suited us. Alas, Shelby believes Matt and lets the whole ‘my husband was banging a witch in the woods’ thing go. Deciding she needs to relax, Shelby goes to take a shower only to be accosted by the Pig Man. Now, this is absolutely a call back to Murder House. (One of Ben’s patients was immobilized by his fear of the Pig Man urban legend. He believed that if he said, “Here piggy, pig, pig.” in the mirror, the Pig Man would appear and finish his slaughter.) As the Pig Man chases both Matt and Shelby through the house, this is some truly creepy stuff and just when you think something bad is going to happen to them, Elias shows up, whacks the Pig Man and yells, “Croatoan!”
Elias seems to have shown up, mostly, to explain more stuff and thangs. In his first appearance, Elias gave us all a ton of information on the history of the house and now he has returned to explain the word Croatoan to Shelby and some other interesting factoids. While it’s a little bit annoying that Elias exists only to pop up and explain things because they have shoved so much stuff into this season, I will take Denis O’Hare any way I can get him.
O.K., here we go. Croatoan was a message left at Roanoke for the others so they could find the lost colony: it is a word of dark power and blood magic. Elias was the owner of the house for years, but he missed a tax payment, the bank took it and then Matt and Shelby bought it. Anyone who has ever had their name on the title to this house has either left or gone missing within months of taking ownership. Elias specifically tells them that, “I’m important to your survival. You want me here.” Matt isn’t so sure, but Elias exclaims that the Pig Man has been there before and he will show up again. This is enough for Matt and Shelby to keep listening to Elias. I would now like to officially proclaim my belief that Evan Peters is the Pig Man. Peters is credited every episode and it would make sense that the Pig Man’s story will come up at some point, wherein, we will see Evan’s face. Perhaps the Pig Man features into a larger story that will come up after the much talked about 6th episode? Peters has been a main character in every season of AHS and I don’t see why this one would be any different. Let’s continue, shall we? Elias has compiled a history of the various owners of the house, going back to the 1700’s. In fact, it was in 1792 that Edward Philipé Mott completed the house. Yes, Mott as in Dandy Mott from Freakshow. Basically, every death on this land takes place during the same lunar cycle in October. Native Americans called it the dying grass moon; six blood drenched days from the first quarter of the moon to the blood moon. The spirits can haunt you at any time, but only during this six day period can they kill you.
Elias knows Priscilla and claims to have a relationship with her, so he goes to try to free Flora and then everyone can leave the house and stay alive. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! First, these clowns go investigating strange noises in the woods at night and now they think they’re going to live?! Matt and Shelby are the dumbest people on earth. Just when it doesn’t seem as though they can be more inept in their choices, Gaga shows up. She’s leaning against a tree with her thrift shop wig looking a mess, unkept eyebrows and her meth mouth teeth, seducing Matt with her eyes. Shelby then lunges in jealousy and anger at Gaga while a feral cat growl is heard. HAHAHAHAHA!! This episode is a comedy, y’all! Shelby is lured to a clearing where she encounters spirits from the house and yelling, “Croatoan!” doesn’t help during the six day blood moon phase. Elias tries in earnest to rescue Flora, but he is rewarded with a bunch of arrows in his chest.
Matt and Shelby run back to the house only to be greeted by Cricket who says,”You two look a fright. You ready to do things my way now?” This little queen is killing me! After proclaiming that he would murder someone for a Coke Zero right about now, Cricket goes out to speak with the Butcher yet again and returns in the morning. When he does, he asks how long he was gone. I found this question interesting. Cricket explains that he met “the bitch with the real power.” Gaga’s power grows with each phase of the moon and she shows Cricket the history of the land, which is apparently the sight of the lost colony of Roanoke. The colony had been living a lovely life on the land, but it was at the cost of human sacrifice.
Turns out Ambrose wasn’t really keen on this and he pleaded with his mother to stop. This conversation is hilarious because Bates and Bentley seem to be having some sort of battle of the strange accents. Seriously, what is this accent they are speaking in and how is it that they each have a different one? Gaga convinces the Butcher to kill her people because it will bind their souls to her as slaves and it will release the power of the blood moon. Cricket tells Matt and Shelby he can put an end to all of this, but first he needs to go back to his hotel to get a few things. Yay! His Uber is here and it is being driven by a handsome young man, which goads Cricket into saying, “Tell me young man, have you ever heard the term gay for pay?” HAHAHAHAHA! Just when I thought we had reached the pinnacle of humor in this episode, they flash to the “real” Uber driver telling his version of events. A handsome, but not entirely bright, young man. Seriously, this was hilarious. Unfortunately, Cricket leaps out of the Uber to chase Flora.
Meanwhile, Shelby takes a nap while Matt stands watch. Of course, he is lured out by Gaga and they start doing it in the fruit cellar. At least there aren’t any hillbillies watching this time. No, this time, Matt learns Gaga’s history. She was a descendant of the Druids, who prayed to the old gods, whoever they are. She fled Europe on a boat that was plagued with misfortune. She was blamed for the many deaths of the men on the boat, but she got the last laugh because she killed all of the white soldiers who were holding her hostage. Of course, this bloodshed was blamed on the Native Americans. Newly empowered, the new world and the old magic created something new, something original. Um, o.k. Way to explain this witch and her power.
The Butcher shows up with Flora, who is able to escape thanks to Priscilla. Angered, the Butcher produces Cricket and disembowels him. It is horrifying and terribly sad. And he never got his Coke Zero.
Based on the history of this season, it seems safe to assume that Hotel will somehow be connected to Roanoke in the next episode. And then, allegedly, this train is going to go off of the rails in the sixth episode and everything we think we know is going to be turned upside down. Well, bring it on!
I love the Partridge Family!
The spirits are bound to the land after the Butcher kills them, but no one seems to care for her.
Uber goes to isolated farm houses?
Matt says that he was losing track of time. Will this figure into the big episode 6 shake up?
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