AHS Apocalypse Recap…
“Purple is for royalty, dear. Not middle management.” If Myrtle hadn’t had such a presence in this season, would it have even been tolerable? Rumor has it, Frances Conroy was only supposed to be in a few scenes this season, but she pulled a Jesse Pinkman and expanded the longevity of her character just by virtue of being a natural badass. Seriously, Sarah Paulson and Frances Conroy have done all of the heavy lifting this season, but they were really put through the ringer in this flaccid finale.
Myrtle sees Mutt and Jeff’s plans for the apocalypse, tells them they have to make a spot for Coco’s family, thus ensuring a spot for Coco and Mallory to safely hide out during the nuclear winter. Lots of information was shared in this short scene: why Ms. Mead’s memory was erased, why Outpost 3 is in a former warlock school, why Coco had those spots available in the first place and why we definitively know that Mutt and Jeff are in no way extensions of Mr. Gallant and Brock. Not explained? The hamfisted acting from Billy Eichner in this scene. Look, I know he’s best known as a comic who runs around yelling at people on the streets, but this was really bad.
Cordelia and Myrtle explain the identity spells and why they are going to be placing Coco and Mallory in Outpost 3. Mallory needs to hide in plain sight and wait until her power is strong enough to travel back in time and kill Michael. Right before the magic fairy dust is blown, Coco and Mallory start talking about how they are very best friends and Coco, all of a sudden, is a really kind hearted person. Did I miss the episode where all of this kumbya shit was revealed? And why doesn’t Cordelia just kill herself now to give Mallory all of the power she needs? Because she is going to take her chances and bury herself, Myrtle and Madison in the mud for an unspecified amount of time. The healing properties of the Louisiana mud allows for these three witches to punch their hands out of the dirt Evil Dead style, post apocalypse.
Madison is an Uber driver taking Coco and Mallory to meet Mr. Gallant for the first time where Coco also meets Brock. Madison also magically sees an ad for Dina’s talkshow which allows her to very quickly and conveniently figure out that Dinah sold her soul to get the show, so she’s obviously the one who let Micheal and Ms. Mead into the Robichaux academy.
Only 21 minutes in (with commercials) and we are now back in the timeline of the witches confronting Michael in the Outpost. But what happened in between all of this? You know what would have really been interesting? Seeing Michael transform from the insecure, mop topped adolescent to the confident, take charge, silky haired devil that waltzed in to episode 2. Definitely more interesting than that god awful sojourn he took in episode 8.
Wait. Who is this? Angela Bassett is here to save all of us from this shit show? Yay! Now, this is a really excellent and sneaky thing that Cordelia pulled off. It’s almost as good as watching Marie Laveau kill Dinah. Well, this awesomeness is short lived because now Cordelia is going to explode Ms. Mead into a silly and regrettable moment of schlock that had me wondering why none of the witches did that to Mead when she shot up the school. And then Madison turns into Scarface and shoots up Michael with Mead’s machine gun arm.
“My goodness. Smooth as silk.” Myrtle says to herself when she pulls out a lock of Michael’s hair. So fucking funny. Mallory runs off with Michael’s hair only to meet the end of Brock’s knife. Some lame one liners from Brock and Myrtle end in Brock’s fiery death and this distracts Madison long enough for Michael to regain consciousness to which Madison says, “Oh fuck. I guess it’s back to retail.’ *sound of gun reloading. Seriously, where is Bruce Campbell and the deadites because I’m pretty sure we are in the Evil Dead universe.
Marie Laveau goes down way too easy for the Voodoo Queen that she is and Coco’s death is as exciting as her entire character arc; not at all. While these deaths are taking place, Cordelia and Myrtle try to save Mallory and this “suspense” is so stupid because we all know Cordelia is going to kill herself to give Mallory the power she needs. SHE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT EVER SINCE SHE REALIZED MALLORY WAS THE NEXT SUPREME. At least Cordelia’s death was wicked rad which is exactly what she deserves. “Satan has one son, but my sisters are legion, Mother Fucker.” YASSSS QUEEN!!!
Mallory chooses to go to 2015 to kill Michael which allows us one more visit with Constance Langdon. Basically, Jessica Lange is back to remind us that she will always be the number one queen of AHS and she was smart to get out when she did. Sure, it was sad for her to see Michael die in a similar fashion to Addie, but this was Mallory’s plan? To run Michael over with a Range Rover? AND NOT EVEN STICK AROUND TO MAKE SURE HE WAS DEAD? Bitch, what if Constance had taken Michael into the Murder House?
And Mallory just stays in the past? I’m no time travel scholar, but didn’t this kind of thing not work out for Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2? Doesn’t this mean there are two Mallorys walking around 2015? One of them is saving Queenie from the Hotel Cortez and releasing Misty Day from hell while the other one is…what? Rehydrating Pizza Hut pizzas on her hoverboard? And sure, Madison is a real C.U.Next.Tuesday, but leaving her in hell seems unnecessarily cruel. Madison did a lot to help stop the apocalypse.
But we can never really outrun our fate, can we? Remember Emily and Timothy? They still find each other, get knocked up and end up coming home to a three year old son who has killed his nanny. You know, just like Michael did at the end of Murder House. This storyline is the most improbable of all and that’s saying a lot in this world. Why does their elite DNA make an antichrist? And why did Michael know to save them for the Outpost? Was Michael never really necessary in the first place? Cut off one antichrist’s head an another grows in it’s place? I guess Michael’s dad never had faith in him in the first place. And how do these millennials have enough money to own such a nice house in Los Angels? Guess they don’t eat avocado toast at brunch.
If Mallory went back to 2015, then none of the events in episode 5 even happened, which means our visit to the Murder House was for nothing. Moira still remains trapped under Constance’s thumb. And the gazebo. Ben and Vivian are still not speaking to one another, nor are Tate and Violet. Episodes 4-9 NEVER HAPPENED. They literally and figuratively wasted our time and then presented a final scene that kind of just reset the entire AHS universe, but with a different, tiny antichrist. Ryan Murphy was doodling on his Etch a Sketch and then all of a sudden decided, “Fuck this shit!’ and shook it all out of existence and we are supposed to take this season as a love letter to those of us who have been here this whole time. This is less a love letter and more a nasty note shoving it in my face that I have blindly followed a white man down his crazy narrative path for years and now have absolutely nothing but anger to show for it. If I were a character in the Murphy universe, I would be wearing an impossibly expensive outfit, speaking super fast, quipping cleverly with my other female minions about how we are about to take out this man who has been holding us down this whole time.
Yes, this finale answered every single question that I had posed in last week’s recap, but it did it in such a frenzied way, that it wasn’t even enjoyable. Why did they waste so much time in the past on stories that, ultimately, didn’t even happen and then rush through the stuff that was applicable and interesting? I realize that entering the AHS universe means checking logic at the door, but these ten episodes are just an epilogue on Coven that could have been dealt with in some craptastic, straight to Netflix 90 minute movie. Murphy and team have created a universe that is wonderfully wackadoo and they have fleshed it out with actors that inspire you to follow them to hell and back. Well, we have now officially gone to hell and I really don’t know how to talk myself into returning for another season. I know that a lot of viewers really enjoyed this season and I am jealous of you. I am. There was certainly a lot of fun to be had and AHS continues to use a diverse and talented pool of directors that keep the visuals fresh and it can never be said that any of the actors don’t always bring their A-game, but that doesn’t erase the fact that they served us a half-assed “crossover” season that felt more like leftover storylines from the Coven writer’s room and less like an actual love letter to the fans. While it’s entirely possible that Mallory’s actions will have consequences in future AHS seasons, I may just wait for the movie starring Bubble McGee to sum it all up for me.
-Pretty sure Ms. Venable doesn’t need to be throwing shade about someone else’s hair.
-This Louisiana swamp mud really is magical. How do I get my hands on it?
-Michael telling Cordelia to declare her loyalty to him was very Game of Thrones. I believe that puts us at three GOT moments this season.
-I love that Nan is so happy with Papa Legba.
-Interesting that Evan Peters ultimately took his directing credit off of the finale.