It’s the penultimate episode of Red Tide and we all want to know who is going to eat the baby.
I’m surprised Harry is at the birth of his second child. He seemed all too happy to be rid of Doris when she was put on bedrest, but here we are in a delivery room full of blood. Listen, I’m not saying labor is clean, but it isn’t necessarily this bloody either. He should just eat the placenta. I mean, that’s a form of cannibalism that is fully accepted by some people. I know everyone was hoping he would eat the baby, but this egregious amount of blood that was squeezed out of rags will have to do.
Mickey rolls up in a Speed Racer type of car and gives TB Karen a ride while offering her a job. While it’s intriguing how Mickey seems to be the only person who hasn’t turned into an asshole after taking Muse, surely the other shoe has to drop sometime.
Alma feeds on her brother, because of course she does, and we learn that baby blood is almost as good as the pill. I want to find humor in Harry punishing her for feeding off of her brother, but it’s just so lame. Alma is a great villain, but she’s also a Patrick Bateman level monster. When Harry threatens to not allow her anymore pills, you can see the evil wheels turning in her head. She totally throws her dad under the bus and tries to make her mom take Muse under the guise of wanting her to be “great” as well. Harry still loves Doris and he shields her from this, but nothing goes well for families in the AHS universe.
Belle finds TB Karen while she’s painting and tells her to get the Gardner’s newborn baby because, “Newborn blood is the elixir of the gods. It’s pure. Untouched by a life of booze and drugs, the chemical swill people call food. Newborn makes veal taste like horseshit.” Well, now we know what all of the fuss is about.
Doris wakes up, finds some scissors and goes downstairs to find Holden dragging her work for filth. Harry tells her to go back upstairs, feed the baby and Ursula will bring some soup. The baby starts crying and Holden is disgusted by Doris leaking milk and all of them are pretending to care about her and her, as Holden so delicately put it, “postpartum”, but they are trying to control her with the baby. These motherfuckers actually think that because Doris is postpartum, she can’t possibly finish her designing job, take care of the baby and herself and see the shit they’re shoveling. I really wish Doris would have just taken all of them out with the scissors, but she doesn’t. She just does as they tell her to.
Poor TB Karen shows up at Mickey’s and thinks she can kidnap the baby and take care of it. She would certainly do a better job than Alma who is trying to convince Doris to take Muse because she thinks it will cause a negative reaction in her. “You can have it all, Mommy,” she says, sounding like every MLM to ever prey upon a housewife. Unfortunately, Doris really was mediocre this whole time. She loses her hair and tries to kill her own child. It’s too bad because I was really hoping she would be better than both Harry and Alma, kill them and run off with Eili and rule the world. A housewife, is a housewife, is a housewife, though, I suppose.
On her failed attempt to kidnap the baby, Karen finds herself in a predicament and Mickey, ever the pusher of poor decisions, is really trying to get her to take Muse and she explains that she doesn’t want to, “Because I don’t care if I’m not good enough. Don’t you understand that? I don’t want to be like you.You’re not human.” Ultimately, he leaves her in a Se7en situation: she can be eaten alive by the pale people or take Muse, which is the one thing she doesn’t want to do. I suppose we always knew Karen would end up leaving us, but she does get some of her own poetic justice. She takes Mickey to the beach, kills him and then dies by suicide. Karen went out her way and you have to respect her for that.
Harry puts Doris out to pale person pasture with only one episode left. Will The Chemist make a deal with Ursula? Will Harry, Alma and Eli really live happily ever after? At this point, I hope they all die because every single one of the motherfuckers is a piece of selfish garbage.
Sidenotes:
-Postpartum hemorrhaging. Convenient.
-Did all of the pale people find a fire sale for those stupid coats or does Lark provide them?
-Why is Mickey still in his shack if he has new clothes and a flashy car? -At least Doris doesn’t have a stupid giant shoulder pad jacket.
Lisa Fremont
haddonfieldhorror.com 
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