Let’s all just admit that we would do the exact same thing that Tristan did. We would all go back to room 64 and coax Mr. March out to be our new BFF. Appealing to his ego, Tristan tells March that he’s the greatest serial killer who ever lived and Tristan is then rewarded with March appearing and immediately cozying up and telling him that they need to start utilizing parts of the hotel that have been sorely neglected. Can’t wait to see where this dysfunctional friendship is heading.
Continuing with the not subtle at all reminder to vaccinate your children, we learn more about Alex. Coming from an unhappy childhood, she yearns to save children because she needs saving and, yes, she is aware of the cliche. Despite never really feeling that deep desire for children, she felt whole after having Holden. So, of course, this is the child that goes missing and is turned into a vampire by Lady Gaga at a weird Hollywood hotel. Seeing what Alex and John went through after losing Holden was a rare moment of genuine feelings and depth in a show that sews people into mattresses.
Right. We all knew Naomi Campbell probably wouldn’t be long for this world, but despite poor Gabriel emerging from the mattress and killing her, she still pops up at the end of the episode in time to throw shade at Alex’s clothing. Once a diva, always a diva.
Acting under the notion that he needs to make his new bestie, James March, happy, Tristan seduces Will Drake in hopes of killing him so he won’t start tearing the hotel apart. Whoopsies. The Countess catches Tristan and tells him that Drake is absolutely, 100%, off of the victim menu. See, the Countess has financial problems of the Bernie Madoff kind and she is going to marry Drake, kill him and inherit his fashion empire. The fact that Drake is gay is no dilemma for the Countess because, like all vampires, her sex appeal cannot be denied.
Detective John Logan goes looking for clues into why Gabriel was screaming that he meant to kill Sally and not Naomi. What John finds is a strangely erotic encounter and it looks as though Sally may be tied to the Ten Commandments murders. More importantly, she claims that her and John are meant to be together and then they start making out. It was weird. Something about John and Sally having sexual tension was more bizarre than the Addiction Demon standing behind John through all of it.
Donovan and Iris have an extensive, “my life has been more terrible than yours” conversation and it still didn’t shed any light on, exactly, how Iris was such a horrible mother. She may have put Donovan in a weird vegetarian cult, but at least she didn’t beat him with a wire hanger or make him participate in beauty pageants. While I found this whole scene taxing, it did lead us to watching Donovan feed off of junkies and then meeting the woman we’ve all been waiting for.
Ramona Royale was the queen of them all while starring in 70’s blaxploitation flicks and we even got a taste of it while watching her take out a gang of bad guys with a gun and a knife that was hidden in her afro. Angela Bassett always shines and if this introduction is any indication, this may be her best role yet in the AHS anthology. Transforming from a Foxy Brown type actress to the Countess’ lover to a lover spurned, she absolutely owned every single second she graced our television screens. In a fit of rage, the Countess took away the one thing Ramona ever truly cared about and now she is going to take away the one thing that the Countess truly cares about: the children.
Ah yes, the children. There are pictures of Gaga wearing a false pregnancy belly while on AHS Hotel sets. If my theory that she was Mrs. James March is true, perhaps they lost a child or maybe the Countess paid an unfortunate visit to Dr. Charles Montgomery at the Murder House. We’ve all been promised that the Murder House will make an appearance on this season because it, somehow, ties in to the hotel. The children have been heavily used in the advertising, but utilized very little thus far. In fact, after three episodes, we’re still meeting new characters and learning people’s histories. The always spectacular Halloween episode is just around the corner and we’ve only just begun to learn about the people within Hotel Cortez. Will this episode propel current stories further or will it focus solely on the dinner party Mr. March is holding? Color me embarrassingly excited to see a dinner party attended by Jeffrey Dahmer, Aileen Wurnos and John Wayne Gacey. Seriously, how do I get an invite to this Devil’s Night dinner? I’m pretty certain Detective Logan needs a date.
Despite some serious attempts on Sally’s part, Iris’ bid to kill herself is unsuccessful. At the very last moment, Donovan sweeps in and saves the woman he hates the most. Why? Because Liz Taylor, seer into all people’s souls, reminds him that despite all of her flaws, Iris will always love Donovan more than anyone else on earth. A mother/son vampire duo who both have it out for the Countess? This will be good.
Mandatory Not Se7en storyline update: people at a gossip website are found with their tongues nailed to their desks. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
TV Babies, how are you enjoying the season so far? On a scale of 1- 10, how excited are you for the Halloween episode? I’m at an 11. Find me on Twitter and let me know!
Naomi Campbell making a reference to her infamous behavior was easy and tired. Make a note of it.
Anything set to The Jesus and Mary Chain “Just Like Honey” will always make me think of Lost in Translation. Always and forever.
John isn’t in AA. He just has an obsession with control. Interesting.
Alex finally comes face to face with Holden. Looks like we have a new guest at Hotel Cortez.
Am I the only one who heard the poor man’s Twin Peaks music?
I would totally watch all of those Ramona Royale movies.