Parents, please vaccinate your children. Failure to provide your child with the proper vaccines may result in one or more of the following;
2. Death from measles or another virus.
3. Death due to an ancient virus courtesy of your child’s doctor.
4. You may find yourself being eaten by your own child after they’ve turned into a vampire.
5. Your vampire child might go to school and infect his entire class, thus, causing anarchy and carnage.
We now return to our usual AHS Hotel episode recap.
Donovan brings his mother/frenemy to Miss Ramona Royale’s house and presents a possible way of taking down the Countess. The two of them need an inside man and Iris will be perfect because she suffers from the indecency that most older women do: invisibility. Ramona Royale and Donovan are two insufferably gorgeous lovers spurned and I am chomping at the bit to see them tangle with the Countess.
As Iris’s body goes through the paces of turning into a vampire, only Liz Taylor really knows what she needs. After giving her some blood with a drop of triple sec in it, Liz proves to be the very best shoulder to lean on in a time of crisis. The first glimmer that this episode is layers deep comes in the form of Iris talking about how the world holds nothing for women her age. Men look right through her unless they want something. Unfortunately, in our youth obsessed culture this is a common reality faced by many women and it certainly seems like an exceptionally lonely one.
Detective John Logan is, clearly, suffering from some sort of psychological break, but it’s unclear what kind. To his supervisor and peers, it looks as though he’s suffering hallucinations. John had a breakdown five years ago after Holden’s disappearance and this is all just too much mental instability, so John is now unemployed. This should work out well for him, though. Mr. March only invited serial killers whom he had previously mentored to his Devil’s Night party. He also specifically told John that he had invited him to the dinner because he lacks vision. After waking up next to Hypodermic Sally, John claims that he doesn’t remember anything, but she tells him that it will happen again and again because it’s their destiny and you can’t fight destiny. I think it’s destiny that I’m right in guessing that John is the Ten Commandments killer.
An incorrigible hipster doofus couple check into the hotel and hope to get a discount rate because Will Drake, “liked a shit ton of my Instagram pics.” The Oscar blogger, the gossip column writers and now Instagramers have all suffered the ire of Murphy this season. For someone who, clearly, despises social media he sure does seem to pay a lot of attention to it. Anyway, these kids are totes annoying and, like, it’s supes great when Iris finally loses her shit and kills them. She doesn’t harness her anger properly, though, until after a heart to heart with Liz Taylor. See, Iris isn’t the only one who is invisible to the world. In the words of Liz, “You see everything when the world doesn’t see you.”
In what may very well be the most sincerely touching story in all of Ryan Murphy’s television career, we finally get to see Liz Taylor’s history. Iris humbles herself and admits to never really talking to Liz because when she looks at her, all she she’s are questions. Explaining that she’s not homophobic, Liz responds that she’s not gay and this is a truly honest, non threatening way for the conversation to flow. Liz has no qualms with answering questions and is more than happy to share her story.
In 1984, Nick Pryor was married to a woman because he needed to marry someone and she was the same dress size as him. As a medical rep, he traveled and this allowed him time alone in hotel rooms to dress in women’s clothing and really feel free. The Countess appears in his room and she changes his life forever. Telling him that she’s been watching him and that, “You dress like a man, walk like a man, but you smell like a woman.” he replies, “It’s Paco Rabanne.” After the Countess says, “Not your skin. Your blood.”, he weeps and so do we. What follows is a truly lovely montage of the Countess helping Nick become who she was meant to be: Liz Taylor a’la Butterfield 8. The look of pure joy and happiness on Liz’s face when she see’s herself in the mirror would make the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes. As Denis O’Hare does his first public walk as Liz Taylor to the ice machine, you don’t just see the utter giddiness of being your true self, but you can feel it oozing through the screen. Denis O’Hare is a goddamn national treasure and only he could have successfully transitioned from pure joy to pure terror in a manner of seconds when his work friends saw him. As is the norm for ignorant and hateful people, they call him the F word and then worry that they may have contracted AIDS because they sipped some of his Sprite. Liz’s anger boils up and she yells, “I’m not gay! Look at me, you piece of shit bastards! See me and go to hell!” YESSSS, LIZ, YESSS!
Liz tells Iris, “Stop ignoring yourself. Especially now. It’s time to stop taking shit.” As Iris slays the hipsters while screaming, “I matter!” I think we can all agree that we’ve felt like this at one time or another. Ryan Murphy and his team can really excel at confronting emotionally complex issues and this episode tackled two very topical ones with kindness and grace and this is exactly why I find myself so utterly disappointed when they show such crass disregard at other times.
Continuing the theme of needing to die before you can really live, we end the episode with Alex going to sleep with Holden in a giant glass coffin and all is well at Hotel Cortez. Until next week when John Logan appears to go on a rampage and I’m giddy with antici…pation.
Looks like the Countess has a whole lot more children than she planned for.
Ryan Murphy is addressing culturally insensitive Halloween costumes? Ohh Kaaayyy….
If you want to see a movie about kids eating teachers, just watch Cooties. It’s loads funnier and has none of the social commentary on vaccinations.
Oh Iris, the Countess absolutely knows that you’ve been turned.
Liz Taylor is reading Candide and so should you. Great book.
Darren Criss had the honor of playing Hedwig on Broadway. If you don’t know about Hedwig and the Angry Inch, I suggest you rectify that immediately.
With all due respect to Liz Taylor, “Bette Davis Eyes” will always make me think of The Final Girls from here on out.
Who do I have to kill to get one of those Ramona Royale movie posters?