Episode five has been touted as the one that would change everything this season. In Roanoke, when they said everything would change, they really, truly meant it, but in Apocalypse, what we get with episode five is a very long flashback. After a short, but strangely glamorous, moment of being eaten alive while a white face demon laughs, Cordelia awakes in the library of the boys academy. While this is, thus far, the most straight forward episode of the season, it takes place entirely in the past. The amount of time Apocalypse has spent in the present is very little. Are they doing this so we won’t be fully shook if the witches (mainly Mallory) pull some sort of time reversal thing to fix the apocalypse? It’s super rad to have such a Coven heavy episode, but I thought this was Apocalypse.
Always the fierce leader, Cordelia requests to see Michael. She then proceeds to tell all of the witches and warlocks of her vision and proclaims that Michael will take the test of The Seven Wonders at the rise of the Blood Moon. On the surface, it looks as though Cordelia is easily acquiescing to the desires of the warlocks, but we all know that anyone who grew up with Fiona Goode for a mother is no dummy and this witch has plans beyond what anyone can guess. Myrtle cannot see past her rage and exclaims, “Time and time again, history has shown the hubris of men knows no bounds. Have we learned nothing from Attila the Hun, Herod the Great and Mark Zuckerberg!” This conversation succeeds in producing this fascinating nugget of information:passing The Seven Wonders does not inherently mean that one is fit to lead the coven. What an opportune time for Myrtle to tell Cordelia about how Mallory didn’t just bring a deer back to life, she Benjamin Buttoned that deer. A dead, full grown deer ran away as a young doe after Mallory was done with it. Sounds like The Supreme to me and Cordelia is showing the tell tale physical signs of her replacement being near.
Once again, Coco’s family money is the reason she is taken in by an exclusive group. Back before she went to Outpost 3 on her father’s dime, she was taken in by Cordelia despite her only power being that of sussing out gluten. This bit was silly, but also very Coco appropriate and Cordelia sees this as only the beginning to Coco being able to detect things that are dangerous. It doesn’t seem like Cordelia’s investment in Coco ended up paying off, but I suppose we shall see.
After the warlocks perform a ritual to ensure Michael’s safety in The Seven Wonders, Michael shows his true self to the one person who has doubted him this whole time:John Henry. As John Henry packs his bags to go on a short trip to gather information, Behold Chablis accuses him of being jealous and the two get into a pretty fun fight where John Henry admits to being frightened. Unfortunately, he’s not frightened of the right person on this fateful night. Very, very conveniently, Ms. Mead shows up at the very same remote gas station that John Henry is at. She, of course, proceeds to properly fuck him up and then set him on fire. I was very saddened by this because Cheyenne Jackson is a treasure, but as Myrtle has proven, fire does not mean certain death. I remain optimistic that we will see Mr. Jackson again, even if it’s in the form of another character.
Ariel is working with Ms. Mead to help Michael rise to power. Not really a surprise, because he has made it abundantly clear that he detests a world where women have the upper hand. Blah, blah, blah…I can turn on the nightly news to see this tiny-dick shit show play out every damn day.
Interestingly, Michael’s test of The Seven Wonders seems pretty unspectacular compared to what all of the ladies endured during theirs. Even the ultimate test of Descensum is completely unimpressive because dude is, essentially, just going home to bring Misty Day back. Whatevs. Cordelia’s plan worked and now she has all of her girls back together. It’s fun. It’s like Breakin 2;Electric Boogaloo or Ocean’s 12 or any Fast and Furious sequel. The gang’s back together! You know what this deserves? An exceedingly long Steve Nick’s musical cameo. Gag me with a spoon. Lily Rabe is the only thing that salvaged this scene. I’m very aware that I’m in the minority here, but I don’t care for Steve Nicks. Never have, never will. Don’t @ me. And one more thing. Cordelia does not have all of her girls back. Where is Nan and why has no one mentioned her at all? Jamie Brewer starred in both Murder House and Coven. Where the hell is she? AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL, WHERE IS DENIS O’HARE?! If a Murder House/Coven crossover occurs without Larry Harvey or Spalding, did it actually happen at all?
To keep up this new found buddy movie chemistry, Madison and Behold Chablis are sent on a mission together. They shall visit Murder House. “The place where it all began,” as Cordelia explains. How does she know that? Will we ever find out if Madison Montgomery is related to Dr. Montgomery? They both excel at sewing bodies back together, after all. There are so many characters in the Murder House, but only one that really matters. The Queen Bee of all diabolically evil women; Constance Langdon. The return to Murder House has been so built up at this point, that it could easily disappoint and we are still living in the past. Is this season actually amazing if it’s just a cheap trick to relive two of the most popular past seasons? The episodes that took place in “present” time were kind of the most boring and almost everyone from them is dead and I don’t know about you, but I’m not missing any of them. Despite various questions and concerns, Apocalypse is definitely a ton of fun, especially after Cult. At this point, there are so many things at play, that it’s really hard to even guess where any of this is going. It will certainly be nice to be out of the Outpost/Warlock school because it is getting down right claustrophobic in there. What do you think is happening and are you loving it so far? Let me know!
I would have squealed with joy if the Pig Man had made a cameo during the Blood Moon.
Myrtle is a treasure I don’t want to take for granted, but I still need to know how she’s alive.
Mallory is eating an apple when Cordelia calls for her to show Coco around.
Attention men: protect your ankles at all costs when near Kathy Bates. She’ll either bash them with a sledgehammer or cut your achilles tendon. Either way, you ain’t going nowhere.
Ariel throwing a tantrum over Cordelia changing the final test just makes me hope that his death is spectacular and worthy of his pettiness.
“He wore the perfume of death.”
Why did Cordelia hand the Murder House location to Madison on a tiny, rolled up piece of paper? Did they momentarily think they were on the Game of Thrones set?
Michael may be in the physical form of an adult man, but mentally, he’s still a child and this was on abundant display this episode.
Is is possible that Mallory has ancestral ties to the original Supreme? You know, Lady Gaga.
Lisa Fremont | Twitter: @lcfremont